Montessori Mastery

Do you remember the last time someone made a promise to you – and then broke it?

How did that make you feel?  Disappointed?  Worried?  Angry?  Not good enough?

And how did that broken promise affect your opinion of that person?  Did you consider him no longer trustworthy?  Would you think twice before making another request of him or her?  Did you find yourself not liking that person so much?

Promises make the world go ’round.  In effect, everytime we say “Yes” to another person’s request, we are making a promise…..a commitment…..an agreement.  Yet, how often do we actually follow through?

As parents, we need to be especially careful what we say to our children and how we say it.  ”I’ll think about it” often sounds like “I promise” to a young child who’s asking to go to the zoo on Saturday!

So how do we avoid the pitfall of broken promises?   One way is to be very clear about the four ways we can respond to a request:

• A definite “yes”
• A definite “no”
• A “commit-to-commit”:  What a great idea!  But I’m not sure I’ll have time.   Let me think about it and let you know at bedtime tonight.
• A “counter-offer”:   I have other things to do on Saturday.  Would you like to go on Sunday instead?

Though a simple yes or no is probably more effective for the very young child, the “commit-to-commit” and the “counter-offer” can be introduced when appropriate.  The end results of these guidelines for making promises are the development of strong relationships, trust, the self-esteem of those involved, and the successful outcome of the situation.

Do you rarely  - if ever – get what you want?

I once had a client who was very discouraged because the people in his life always disappointed him and he didn’t know why.  After some exploration, we discovered that he rarely asked for what he wanted!  He was totally clueless about how to make an effective request!

So often, we think we’re asking for what we want, when we’re really not.

How often do we do this with our children?  When we say, “Your room looks like an earthquake hit it!”, are we simply “telling it like it is” –  or, are we really asking our child to clean his room?

There are a few simple rules to making an effective request, one that gets us the “yes” that we want:

• Be present with your request.  Don’t ask your child to feed the cat while you are talking on the phone!  Use eye contact; give him your full attention.
• Be sure  your listener is engaged.   How often to we ask someone to do something while they are playing a video game, watching TV, etc.?  Again, use eye contact.
• Be specific.  Is your child’s idea of a clean room the same as yours?  Probably not!  (My daughter thought that shoving things under her bed was clean enough.)  Instead, explain what you mean:  bed made, dirty clothes in the basket, clean clothes hung up, etc.
• State a specific completion time.  ”Please clean your room before dinner”.
• Be aware of moods – both yours and the “requestee”.  If you’re feeling impatient or if your child has had a bad day at school, how effective do think your request will be?
• Be willing to negotiate.  Sure, Aunt Jane is coming to visit this weekend and you want the house to look nice, but Billy has a big test tomorrow and wants to study.  Can you agree to a time frame that will suit you both?

When parents make the effort to make effective requests, they are not only making their family life run smoother, they are also teaching their children great communication skills!

Next:  Promises, Promises

While visiting the Museum of Fine Arts in St. Pete this past weekend, discovered two wonderful poetry books for children:  ”Hip Hop Speaks to Children” edited by Nikki Giovanni, and “Poetry Speaks to Children”, edited by Elise Paschen.  Both are beautifully illustrated and include CD’s.  Great items to include on long car trips this summer!

It never ceases to amaze me how most children can learn an entire language – or two or more – before age six.  I’m decades older and still trudging through Level 1 French using Rosetta Stone (a great program, by the way!).  Oh, to have my Absorbent Mind again, so I could simply soak up language from the environment, ideally, in Paris!

It’s because of this absorbent nature of the child’s mind that we encourage parents to provide a language-rich environment, including conversation, vocabulary, reading, and story-telling.  But rarely do I hear the mention of effective communication skills!   Needless to say, children are also absorbing the “how’s” of effective communication – or are they?

How many arguments, tears, and disappointments have resulted from verbal misunderstandings?

“I told you to clean up your room!”

“But I did!”

“No, you didn’t!  Now stay here until it’s done!”

“But you promised that we’d go to the zoo this weekend!”

“No, I said I’d think about it.”

“But you promised!”

“The dog’s water bowl is empty again!”

Do any of these sound familiar?  Maybe it’s time to take a look at your own communication skills to see if what you mean is what you actually say!

Next:  Making Effective Requests

Anyone who is involved with Montessori education knows it as a very child-centered approach.  Truly “following the child”, preparing an environment that is not only supportive of developmental needs, but beautiful as well, and managing all the other “nuts and bolts” of directing a class can be truly exhausting at times.

Yet, the Directress/Child relationship is not entirely one-sided.  Over and over again, I’ve had Directresses tell me how much they learn from their children.  ”They teach me far more than I teach them!”

When seen this way, then what an opportunity for personal growth we have here for both children AND adults!

I once had a very distressed teacher reluctantly admit to me that “there’s a child in my class whom I really don’t like!”  Not supposed to happen, huh?  After all, as the adults, we’re supposed to like them all!   Wrong!  Love them of course, but not necessarily like.

When this situation happens, we certainly need to relate to that child with love and integrity – but who says we can’t get something out of it, too?  As the saying goes, “If you spot it, you’ve got it!”  So what exactly is that child reflecting back to us?   The new awareness we acquire by pondering that question can then allow us to response consciously and appropriately, rather than react, based on our own conditioning.

For instance,  Jimmy is constantly coming to you for attention.  He wants to tell you about his dog, his trip to the zoo, what he ate for breakfast.  Other children enjoy regaling you with their stories, so what is it about Jimmy?  Are his stories boring?  Does he speak “over” other children who are talking?  Does he have a speech impediment?  Ah!  That last one seems to have a charge!  And so begins the process of self-inquiry.  Does this bring back memories of when I had speech problems?  Was I embarrassed by someone in my life who did?  Do I have unconscious judgments regarding people with impediments or disabilities?

Until we recognize what drives out behaviors and beliefs, we are powerless to change them.  What a wonderful gift from the children we teach:  the possibility of self mastery!

Just noticed the date on my previous post.  It’s – ahem – been awhile since I wrote it.  What happened to all those good intentions of writing weekly – even daily – posts?  I could say I’ve been procrastinating (possibly); I could say I’ve been really busy doing other things (that, too); or I could say that it’s all about the timing.  We can have the greatest idea in the world, but if it’s not the right time, chances are, that idea will come to naught.

I still think a blog to educate others about Montessori  is a good idea – especially in today’s world.

Did I launch Montessori Mastery at the right time?  Obviously not!  But here I am to try again.  Perhaps it’s an idea whose time has finally come.

Quickly!  Describe 10 things you saw on your way to work this morning!

If you’re like most of us, you can come up with  maybe five or six – but the rest of the trip is probably a blur.  After all, you’ve done it so many times that you could do it in your sleep, right?  You put yourself on automatic pilot and, before you know it, you’re sitting at your desk.

But what did you miss in the meantime?  Are there signs of the changing seasons?  Is there new construction?  If so, is it anything you might want to check out in the future?  Is that panhandler who’s usually on the corner there today?  What’s his story?

How might these observations affect you day – and even your life – compared to driving on automatic pilot, while drinking coffee and talking on your cell?  You might feel invigorated by those first signs of Spring – and this translates to your entire workday;  or you might decide to take the family out to dinner at that new restaurant once it’s open;  or, you might make sure to have a dollar handy the next time you pass that panhandler.

Often we’re on automatic pilot when we parent our children:  we respond the way we always have, and probably the way our parents did before us.  We’re clueless as to what’s really going on.  But what might happen if we took the time to really observe our children:  what they’re doing, what they’re saying, how they look?  What might we learn and how might that change our actions?  It might be something as exciting as discovering your child has learned to read (a trip to the bookstore this weekend?), or as simple as noticing that a button is missing from his sweater (time for a “lesson” in how to sew on a button?).

This week’s practice:  Take 15 minutes each day and simply watch your children.   Write down something you noticed about them that you didn’t know before.

Even if your child does not have ADD, “Superparenting for ADD” is a must-read for parents of young children!  The introduction alone is well-worth your time.

Though I’m dating myself for sure, reading “Superparenting” reminded me of a song in the Rogers & Hammerstein musical My Fair Lady.  The song was titled “How to Handle a Woman”.  The solution the lyrics offered?  ”Simply love her, love her, love her.”   This may sometimes seem challenging for parents of an ADD child!  But Halloway and Jensen see love as “the single most powerful tool you can use to draw out your child’s strengths”.  I liked their suggestion to acknowledge a child at least once a day for something positive that he did.

The authors go on to provide more specific information and suggestions for parents,  always emphasizing the positive with terms such as “strength-based”, “excellence”, and the “gift of ADD”.  Also included is a description of Kathy Kolbe’s work on identifying natural, inborn strengths.

My only disappointment is that, in the chapter on schools, there is no mention of Montessori schools as appropriate learning environments for children with ADD.  Montessori education is a developmental approach that honors the uniqueness of each child, while encouraging control of movement, organization, independence, responsibility, concentration, and respect for self, others, and the environment.  Though I am definitely biased, I’d like to see more exploration by the ADD community into the benefits of Montessori education for children with ADD!

Nonetheless, “Superparenting” is a valuable addition to any parent’s bookshelf.

Maria Montessori felt that the future of the world rested in the hands of the children.

Trevor Eissler’s new book, “Montessori Madness”,  has arrived on the scene at a time when many of us are questioning how well we are preparing these children who will determine our future.  Are we educating happy, responsible, compassionate, and globally aware leaders who can make a real difference in the world?  Or are we shortchanging both them and us by adhering to ways of educating that do not meet the needs of the child nor nurture his full potential?

Using a very readable and often humorous style, author and Montessori parent Trevor Eissler has used his own experiences in traditional education as a way to illustrate the true genius of Montessori as “education for life”.  He has done an excellent job identifying what I refer to as the “intangibles” – the real core values – of Montessori education that are so often not apparent to the untrained eye:  respect for self, others, and the environment; emphasis on the positive; appreciation of beauty; and real community.

Trevor writes about many of the basic principles of Montessori, such as Sensitive Periods,  the Absorbent Mind, and the Prepared Environment; but what I appreciated most was his explanation of Freedom and Responsibility – two concepts often misunderstood and sorely lacking in today’s world.

During a recent phone conversation, Trevor shared with me that some people actually questioned his usage of the words “Montessori” and “Madness” in the same title.

Yet for people who are products of traditional education, allowing children to move freely about the classroom choosing their own work might indeed appear to be madness.  How can children learn to adjust to the “real world” if they’re allowed to do whatever they want?  Surely, this IS madness!

But while reading this book, it doesn’t take long to realize that the real madness lies in not offering Montessori education to every child!

“Montessori Madness” is a real gem.  I highly recommend it for anyone interested in a clear, concise introduction to Montessori education.   I recommend it even more to those who are seeking a true alternative to traditional education.

Once upon a time, a father took his five year old son out on the lake to catch some fish.  It was a beautiful day and the father was delighted to have some one-to-one time with his  son – that is, until young Bobby – out of nowhere – suddenly asked THE QUESTION:  ”Daddy, where did I come from?”

The father looked around.  Here he was in the middle of the lake with no hope of assistance.  The responsibility of this delicate conversation was on his shoulders, and his alone.  Was he up to the task?

While taking a few grounding breaths, he scanned his brain for memories of this important conversation with his own dad.  (He had been at least 15 then, right?  Certainly not FIVE!)

Well son, it’s like this:  imagine the birds and the bees…….and then……umm, well, then they do this….. and….uh…. without that.……..and so forth and so on, until he felt the explanation was complete.  Whew!

“So son, that’s about it.  Do you have any questions?”

“No, not really.  I was just wondering if it was Ohio or Illinois.”

The moral of  story:  Be sure you understand the question before giving an answer! 

I learned this the hard way the other night when I launched my Homeschooling 4 Parents program  by visiting the home of a young couple I know.  

When I first walked through the door, I couldn’t imagine why they wanted help with their parenting skills!  The house was spotless and well-organized, their toddler was already sound asleep, and their three year old son was delightful.  (They told me I should have been there thirty minutes earlier…..)

No matter – I was there and well-prepared to elucidate them on the benefits of Montessori in the home.  I began by expounding on the needs and tendencies of children, the importance of order and responsibility, and the benefits of a second language for children at this age.  At one point Jenn asked if I would like to see their son’s room, but I continued on with my monologue – after all, I needed to start at the beginning and create the context before addressing the practical!  But a bit later,  Jason asked again about suggestions for their son’s room.

It was then that I FINALLY GOT IT.

Jason and Jenn really weren’t interested in theory –  at least, not yet.  What they really wanted was  simply the “nuts of bolts” of how to support their boys’ development. 

It dawned on me what a logical, linear, sequential thinker I am!  I often feel that I need to “start at the beginning” and set the stage for what is to come.

In coaching lingo, this revelation would be referred to as a “breakdown”. Breakdowns can appear as mistakes, accidents, crises, goofs – or in this case, even  embarrassing moments! 

Yes, it was an embarrassing moment, but one that provided me with a wonderful learning.  I learned to listen more to what clients want to know rather than thrust my own agenda on them.  I  learned that linear thinking certainly has its place, but isn’t always appropriate!

I noticed that the way I’ve approached this blog has also been very linear:  the history of Montessori, some of the basic philosophy, etc. – when maybe what people really want are simply practical ways to raise healthy, happy children and build strong families.

So, I’m putting aside the strictly linear, sequential approach for awhile, and plan to blog about whatever comes to mind.  What fun!  There will be Montessori philosophy woven throughout the posts, but the emphasis will usually be on the more practical and mundane aspects of family life.  

So to keep this blog interesting and relevant to you, please feel free to submit your comments and ask your questions!